NEW / CONSUMER SKINCARE INVESTIGATION
My Wife Bought 99% Porn and Left It Next to My Toothbrush
A true story about purity, pores, East Germany, salmon and my ongoing battle with ED.
LOCAL / AUTOMOTIVE EVIDENCE
Tesla Cybertruck Municipal Cleanup Edition Spotted on Route 46
Six wet logs, two blue tarps, one plastic crate and a possible connection to a previously listed Morris County tree.
NEW / CONSUMER GEOGRAPHY
CVS Isn’t Organized by Departments. It’s Organized by Consequences.
From condoms to Tylenol PM, mystery Snoopy merchandise, and a six-car drive-thru line, CVS can tell you exactly where you are in life.
NEW / LOCAL REDEVELOPMENT
This Strip Club Became a Food Pantry and I Have Questions
From Adult Entertainment / Chicken Noodle to Very Important Potatoes: one Morris County building has completed an extraordinary commercial real-estate redemption arc.
THEN
NOW
LOCAL / FOUNDING STORY
Adirondack Chair Discovered on Route 10, Apparently Seeking Better Life
Promised Lake George. Catfished by Route 10.
Also Extremely Important
FOOD & DAIRY
I Joined the Milk Club at a Gas Station and Now My Life Has Structure
Ten punches, one free half gallon, and several questions about organizational hierarchy.
AVIATION / VISUAL EVIDENCE
Airline Safety Card Appears to Encourage Woman to Leave Plane With Door
An evacuation protocol that seems to involve theft, upper-body strength, and initiative.
INTERNATIONAL / CONSUMER AFFAIRS
PSA: Pay Your Canadian Tolls, Eh
We thought we escaped with poutine and memories. Canada had other ideas.
TRANSPORTATION
Do You Know Why I Landed?
An investigation into what “Speed Controlled by Aircraft” might eventually escalate into.
READER ALERT SYSTEM
Like This Sort of Thing?
Get new investigations and other matters of questionable importance by email.
THE JUG HANDLE INSTITUTE OF PUBLIC OPINION
Has Foreigner Figured Out What Love Is Yet?
After more than four decades of research, the investigation continues. Margin of error: ±83%.
GUEST EDITORIAL / CLIMATE DESK
Bowser: Climate Change Has Gone Too Far. My Castle Was Already on Fire.
Three Dry Bones spontaneously combusted. They had already completed the combustion process.
Culture, Domestic Affairs & Other Threats
DOMESTIC AFFAIRS
Marriage Is Mostly About Towels
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love dries quickly.
BUSINESS & ADVERTISING
The Intern Who Dropped the Tray
One advertising mishap may explain Gatorade, Tinder and decades of slogan history.
LOCAL BUSINESS
Celtic Construction Will Save Your Marriage
Why pay for counseling when you can install a fully functional druid circle by next solstice?
CULTURE
Naked and Confident
Television survival programming, but with better self-esteem.
PARENTING / CONSUMER AFFAIRS
Local Toddler Gives Five-Star Review to Childproofing Product He Defeated in Eleven Seconds
Easy to remove. Excellent mouthfeel. Exposes the sharp corner underneath.
TECHNOLOGY / TRANSPORTATION
Waze Keeps Giving Me Points and I Need to Know What They Unlock
Secret routes to Trader Joe’s? AAA drone tire service? There must be a prize.
TRANSPORTATION
I-80 Sign Confirms Long-Running New Jersey Horse Problem
How bad was the interstate horse problem before someone finally put up a sign?
THE JUG HANDLE REAL ESTATE DESK
Helping families make catastrophically important financial decisions.
GARY STATUS: SHOWING ANOTHER PROPERTY
JUST LISTED / INDIAN LAKE
Area Toilet Refuses to Leave, Immediately Listed as Luxury Outdoor Bathroom
Discarded fixture spends the night under the Indian Lake sky, attracts sports figures and growing interest from prospective buyers.
$749,999
0 BED · 0 BATH* · 1 TOILET · 0 SQ. FT.
*Bathroom designation pending certificate of occupancy.
FIRST-TIME BUYER PROGRAM Morris County still offers affordable entry-level opportunities. This one has plumbing potential.
FIELD REPORTING
Real Bad Ideas of Morris County
Breaking reports from people actively attempting something they should reconsider.
GARY STATUS: EN ROUTE
DRIVE-THRU LOGISTICS DESK
Commercial Beverage Vehicle Enters Lane Clearly Designed for a Honda CR-V
A drive-thru is not simply a road with a building inconveniently attached to it.
2026 WORST IDEA FINALIST
SNOW EMERGENCY DIVISION
College Hunks Moving Shuts Down Franklin Road for Annual Pledge Drive
Complimentary commuter junk inspection included.
LOCAL / DEVELOPING
Small Stories With Excellent Evidence
Area Resident Goes Back in Time to Before He Joined Planet Fitness
Hall & Oates Emergency Hotline Remains Nation’s Most Reliable Infrastructure
CALLIN’ OATES: 719-266-2837 (719-26-OATES)
Denville First-Grade Reader Raises Unexpected Geopolitical Questions
Full curriculum evidence preserved for review.
SHORT FORM
The Jug Handle 50
Short investigations for readers with other obligations.
01 Voyager 1’s golden record, humanity’s message to the stars in 1,200 languages: “6 7.”
02 “Fix You” by Coldplay is the most beautiful song ever written about neutering your dog.
03 At least there aren’t sharks in the blizzard.
04 Every time I pass Things Remembered I recall my dream of opening a liquor store called Things Blacked Out.
05 Trees are not a solid protagonist.
06 Geese. I knew you fuckers could fly. You’re just lazy.
07 Are there parental controls I can use for my wife’s Groupon account?
08 If I turn my phone to airplane mode while I’m driving, will those miles count toward my frequent flier account?
THREE CREDITS SHORT
Applied Philosophy From a Man Who Almost Minored
Rigorous philosophical inquiry by someone who stopped one course short and has been overcompensating ever since.
Σ
ORIGIN STORY
The Nom de Plume Incident
Age 12. Catholic school. Aladdin rehearsal. One student asks what “nom de plume” means.
“IT’S A CONDOM!”
For approximately five minutes, I was Voltaire.
FOUNDATIONAL TEXT
Meditations on Knowing Nothing
Socrates wrote nothing. Plato tells us what he said. Plato also believed in Atlantis because, as far as I’m concerned, a witch in a cave told him about it.
We really don’t know shit.
SOCIETY / OBITUARIES
Antiperspirant Abbey
Society news, obituaries and estate disputes from the noble House of Speed Stick.
Lady Speed Stick, Grande Dame of Antiperspirant Abbey, Dead at 24H
House asks mourners to “Dare to Wear Black.” Protection expected to continue for approximately 24 hours.
YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE JUG HANDLE
There was no reason to come this far.
GARY STATUS: EN ROUTE · You may not believe in Bigfoot, but he believes in you.
READER ALERT SYSTEM
Get Questionably Important Updates
New investigations, polls and other matters requiring disproportionate attention, delivered when there is actually something worth bothering you about.
ABOUT THE JUG HANDLE
Real things. Unnecessary investigations.
An independent Morris County humor publication examining roadside anomalies, suburban mysteries and other matters that reputable news organizations have chosen not to pursue.
SEND A TIP
Seen something weird?
Strange signs, vanished mascots, suspicious lawn furniture and baffling local businesses are all welcome.
Visit the Tip Desk →
Important Reporting on Things of Questionable Importance
Roadside anomalies, suburban mysteries, unnecessary investigations and other matters of disproportionate concern.