Someone I know a little older than me got a letter from AARP with the words MEMBERSHIP EXPIRATION printed in giant red letters on the front.
That is an aggressive choice of phrasing. At that point it’s not mail anymore. It’s a prophecy. If I got that envelope, I wouldn’t calmly renew anything. I’d call my doctor immediately and say, “Quick question: did you people forget to tell me I have an expiration date?”
Because membership expiration sounds less like “please update your benefits” and more like “the council has reviewed your file and your time among us is drawing to a close.”
I also want to know who signed off on this. Was there no meeting where somebody raised a hand and said, “Should we perhaps word this in a way that doesn’t imply Harold from Parsippany has until Thursday?”
And if this is simply a subscription notice, fine. But then I need AARP to stay in its lane. Don’t come to my house talking like the Oracle of Delphi. Send me a postcard. Say “renew now.” Say “don’t miss your benefits.” Do not send me a scarlet warning that reads like a death panel save-the-date.
At minimum, the envelope should also include a disclaimer: This is not a diagnosis. Please do not begin settling personal scores, updating your will, or panic-buying butterscotch candies.
Anyway, if you get one of these, maybe go ahead and renew. But more importantly, maybe take a beat and make sure you’re still alive.