BOWSER: Climate Change Has Gone Too Far. My Castle Was Already on Fire.

For years, I assumed the lava was a feature.

It kept property values down, discouraged solicitors, and made invading plumbers think twice. If somebody crossed a drawbridge, survived six rotating fire bars and jumped over molten rock just to ask whether I wanted solar panels, frankly he earned the appointment.

But lately the lava is hotter.

The fireballs are unpredictable. Last Tuesday three Dry Bones spontaneously combusted.

Do you understand how alarming that is?

They are skeletons.

They had already completed the combustion process.

That’s why I’m joining Greta Thunberg in demanding immediate action on climate change.

Do Greta and I agree on everything? No.

Greta has notes.

She raised concerns about my airship fleet, my coal-fired spike factories and what she called “a deeply troubling transportation policy involving turtles.”

I said, “Greta, those are Koopas.”

She said, “You throw them.”

I said, “They come back.”

She said, “That doesn’t make it okay.”

Fine.

But on the main issue she’s right: when the giant fire-breathing turtle who deliberately lives inside a volcano thinks it’s getting hot, everybody should probably listen.

I have a high heat tolerance.

My hallways have rotating fire bars. My children play near magma. I once hosted a tennis tournament in Hell.

And even I walked outside this morning and thought, Jesus Christ, can somebody turn this down?

I tried handling it internally.

I brought in a Thwomp.

For those unfamiliar with Thwomps, imagine a four-ton concrete block whose entire résumé says:

EXPERIENCE: Falling directly downward.

I told him to crush the heat.

He crushed my kitchen.

It is still hot.

Now my airships are overheating, Lava Bubbles are migrating north, and yesterday a Shy Guy requested permission to work remotely from Iceland.

I am losing the workforce.

If the magma rises another six inches, I may have to move in with my son.

He has an open-concept castle.

Everything is beige.

There’s a sign in his kitchen that says:

LIVE. LAUGH. KIDNAP PRINCESSES.

I cannot live like that.

So I’m willing to compromise.

I’ll reduce airship emissions. I’ll look into wind power. I’ll put solar panels on one fortress.

I am even prepared to begin a serious conversation about throwing fewer turtles.

I said conversation.

Nobody agreed to fewer turtles.

Climate change requires sacrifice, but there are limits.