I still get a kick out of the on-ramp signs that say:
PEDESTRIANS, BICYCLES, HORSES PROHIBITED.
Are highways having horse problems?
Pedestrians, fine. Bicycles, understandable.
But horses feels incident-specific.
Somewhere, at some point, enough horses apparently attempted to enter the interstate that transportation officials decided this needed to be written down.
I want the minutes from that meeting.
“Okay, next issue.”
“We’re still getting horses.”
“Jesus Christ. How many?”
“Enough.”
And apparently this wasn’t something that could be handled through common sense.
Someone actually had to fabricate a permanent metal sign.
“Look at this fucking horse going 50 in the left lane. Yo, Seabiscuit, move over to the right with the other pedestrians and bicyclists.”
And has the sign ever actually deterred anyone?
“Whoa, boy. Hold up. Sorry, Patches. Look at the sign. Looks like we’re going to have to find another trail.”
I also have questions about enforcement.
If a horse does get onto I-80, does the State Police pull it over?
“Sir, do you know how fast you were galloping?”
Does the rider produce a license and registration?
Does the horse count toward HOV occupancy?
Can you put an E-ZPass transponder around its neck?
And if the horse blows through a toll plaza, does the owner receive a photograph three weeks later showing a confused quarter horse traveling westbound toward Paterson?
TOLL: $1.95
ADMINISTRATIVE FEE: $50
VEHICLE: HORSE
There also had to be a point before the sign.
A lawless era.
Horses merging wherever they pleased.
No turn signals. No inspection stickers. Hay falling off everywhere.
Maybe that’s why the sign is so specific. This isn’t preventative transportation policy.
This is institutional memory.
Somewhere in a filing cabinet at NJDOT there may be a folder labeled:
EQUINE INTERSTATE INCIDENTS — DO NOT DESTROY
I appreciate the specificity.
And somewhere right now there is a horse approaching an entrance ramp, reading that sign and thinking:
Shit. They finally closed the loophole.