Do You Know Why I Landed?

I have questions about the highway signs that say SPEED MONITORED BY AIRCRAFT.

I’ve seen these signs my entire life and somehow never really processed what they were saying. I understand the basic concept: there’s a plane somewhere above you, watching traffic and radioing down to a police officer.

But the sign leaves out an enormous amount of operational detail, and my brain has always preferred the much more satisfying possibility that eventually the aircraft itself has to get involved.

You’re doing 78 in a 65 and suddenly a Cessna drops out of the sky, lands diagonally across three lanes, and a state trooper leans out the window wearing aviator sunglasses. “Do you know why I landed?”

I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer that. “Were you low on fuel?” “No, sir. You were doing 81.” Apparently I’m being pulled over by aviation.

Being pulled over by a regular police car is humiliating enough. Everybody drives past looking at you like you’ve murdered someone. But imagine getting pulled over by a plane. There is no recovering socially from that.

Your wife calls. “Where are you?” “Route 80.” “You said you’d be home twenty minutes ago.” “I got pulled over.” “For speeding?” “Yes.” “By who?” There’s a long pause. “The sky.”

How does the plane even tell you to pull over? Police cars have flashing lights. Does the airplane dip its wings? Does it buzz your Honda three times? Maybe it lowers one of those banners they fly over the Jersey Shore: SILVER CR-V — PULL OVER.

And what happens if you refuse to stop? Now you’re fleeing from an aircraft. That seems like a much more serious crime. A normal high-speed chase gets two police cars and maybe a helicopter. But if the helicopter is already the cop, who does it call for backup? NORAD?

You’re doing 92 outside Parsippany and suddenly two F-16s appear beside you. One pilot points downward. You point at yourself. He nods. Great. Apparently Top Gun works traffic enforcement now.

I also want to know how specialized the airborne police force gets. Are helicopters detectives? Are drones meter maids? Are hot-air balloons assigned to school zones? Crop dusters probably handle undercover work.

I don’t even mind the ticket. I just don’t want to hear a pilot say, “Son, do you know how fast you were going relative to this airspace?”

If a Cessna ever lands behind me and a pilot walks up to my window, I’m not arguing. I’m handing him my license. I’m handing him my registration. I’ll even hand him my peanuts. Because if a man has gone through the trouble of landing an airplane just to give me a speeding ticket, clearly this is important to him.