Fifty short investigations, ranked roughly by how hard they land and how well they survive without adult supervision.

GARY STATUS: STILL EN ROUTE
  1. 01Voyager 1’s golden record, humanity’s message to the stars in 1,200 languages: “6 7.”
  2. 02Sadly, my Strait of Hormuz triathlon this weekend has been postponed again due to continued issues with the swimming leg.
  3. 03“Fix You” by Coldplay is the most beautiful song ever written about neutering your dog.
  4. 04As election season nears, let us not forget that Rick Astley to this day still has not let us down or given up on us.
  5. 05I don’t think free radicals deserve jail time — maybe just community service, a Saturday painting park benches orange with themselves.
  6. 06Eat-Man Funeral Home in Houston. “Come on in — today’s special, macaroni and knees!”
  7. 07There is someone I work with named William Board. Yes. Bill Board.
  8. 08Why is it that every country with the actual word “Democratic” in its name is invariably one of the most oppressive places on earth? Deep thoughts.
  9. 09“No parking, will be towed at owner’s expense.” Is it ever, “we’ll tow you, but it’s cool, this one’s on us”?
  10. 10If I turn my phone to airplane mode while I’m driving, will those miles count toward my frequent flier account?
  11. 11I built a bear this weekend. I had the technology. Trump has already contested its validity, saying I built the bear in Kenya.
  12. 12My son and Bono are the only people I know who count one, two, three, fourteen.
  13. 13Tyler is about to publish a book: “Pack and Play Then Fall: The Logistical Nightmare of Being One.”
  14. 14Blow dryers are really insecure. We get it. You’re helpful.
  15. 15In Vermont Rite Aids, Steve Nash still plays for the Suns.
  16. 16I wonder if they’ve ever approached the Taliban for an episode of Undercover Boss.
  17. 17Chewbacca isn’t flagged as a misspelled word in Outlook. This means the wookie is in Microsoft’s dictionary.
  18. 18Milwaukee has the best home record in baseball. Four-game home series with the Phillies. Good luck holding onto that one.
  19. 19A fitting newspaper headline this morning would have been Ho-Lee Shit!
  20. 20So gay marriage is now legal in PA but it’s still illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors? SCOTUS needs to get on this.
  21. 21I feel bad for the kids of parents addicted to Trivia Crack. All those Trivia Crack babies out there. Never had a chance.
  22. 22Large Vermont bear seeking new home. Great for hugs and access to carpool lanes.
  23. 23I’m concerned about people named Jeff who spell it Geofrey. It’s unsettling not knowing if I should address them as Jeff or Gee-Off or Gi-Of.
  24. 24When they grade you in school, why is it alphabetical up to D then right to F? Why can’t they grade you with a vowel?
  25. 25My phone went nuts with a combination flash flood and amber alert. I can literally see the kidnapped kids floating down the Passaic outside my office window.
  26. 26What if I was a robot who wanted to see Coldplay?
  27. 27This pollen tsunami would be a lot more interesting if somehow sharks were involved.
  28. 28It’s not I as in eyeball. Let’s try this again. Did you mean I as in idiot? Did you mean I as in I wish I finished 2nd grade?
  29. 29Another New Year’s Eve and still so many questions regarding what the fuck an auld acquaintance is.
  30. 30Does anyone know the quickest way to the Gummi Bears’ treehouse from Parsippany?
  31. 31My coworker misspells message as massage: “I assumed you would have massaged me if you got the doc.”
  32. 32The Polar Plunge weather is calling for 40% less shrinkage than expected — may be more of a Lukewarm Leap or a Docile Dip.
  33. 33I want to get into selling air machines to gas stations. Just a box with no parts that says “Broken.”
  34. 34This champion pumped his own gas at a NJ Speedway while “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” played. #notallheroeswearcapes
  35. 35Boaty McBoatface. It’s been a strong year at the polls for the Brits.
  36. 36Star Trek: TNG is essentially why Apple owes that show billions in royalties.
  37. 37Home Alone was on, then Home Alone 5 next. There’s at least five of these? I wonder when Home Alone vs. Predator is coming.
  38. 38I wonder if Tyler will get any bi-curious George books for his birthday.
  39. 39Petraeus’s biography: “Fifty Shades of Camo.”
  40. 40The earth is clearly a rhombus. And the moon is a dodecahedron, which is very confusing for werewolves.
  41. 41Somewhere it is written that Cult of Personality by Living Colour shall only come on the radio during car trips of 3+ hours. And it shall be played 7 times.
  42. 42Naked and Effectively Managing Your Moderate to Severe Plaque Psoriasis with Skyrizi.
  43. 43Pennsylvania has changed the slogan on their license plate to “we have electricity.”
  44. 44New Poll Today Cites “Not Having to See Kanye West on National TV” as Top Reason for Hurricane Preparedness.
  45. 45Elmo’s been illegally dumping waste into the river and calling it “recycling.”
  46. 46That train ticket to the North Pole that Frosty tries to buy is outrageous. He should use Uber.
  47. 47I sent something with a UPS label in a FedEx envelope. Hopefully this isn’t a crossing-the-streams situation.
  48. 48Naked and Crushing That PowerPoint and Pivot Table While HR Is Writing You Up Again.
  49. 49AARP is out. “Come back when you can’t control your bowels anymore.”
  50. 50You may not believe in Bigfoot, but he believes in you.