Important Reporting on Things of Questionable Importance
LOCAL / COMMERCIAL REDEMPTION
This Strip Club Became a Food Pantry and I Have Questions
One Morris County building has completed a commercial real-estate redemption arc I was not prepared for.
By Mike Aitchison
THEN
Showplace Gentlemen’s Club
NOW
nourish.NJ Community Hub
Same address. Dramatically different reason to ask what’s on the menu.
There’s a building I often pass on the corner of S. Salem and East Blackwell Street—technically Dover, basically the border of Denville and Randolph—just off Route 10, to the right before the seemingly too-large and too-friendly-looking-to-be “Relentless” Todd Leonard billboard. Across from Mario’s Pizza, the Tesla dealership, and the ghost of Kmart.
This building used to be a strip club.
Now it’s a soup kitchen and food pantry.
Apparently commercial real estate can have a redemption arc.
That’s progress.
To be clear, I’ve never actually been inside this building.
When it was a strip club.
Or now.
I just have a very active imagination and too much time at red lights.
But I’m not sure you’ll find a better commercial real-estate redemption arc anywhere.
It’s like the building went to therapy.
“Tell me about your past life.”
“Well… there was glitter.”
The building truly has range.
I have questions.
What zoning classification allows for Adult Entertainment / Chicken Noodle?
From Lap Dances to Ladles?
What did they do with the stage?
And the pole?
Is the pole now used to hang coats?
Or stir the soup?
Was there a contractor walking around with a clipboard saying, “Okay, mirrors come down, crockpots go over here, and we’re going to need considerably more fluorescent lighting”?
The former entrance. The velvet-rope infrastructure has apparently been decommissioned.
THE JUG HANDLE DEPARTMENT OF REDEVELOPMENT
From Bada Bing to Bada Broth
Official Change-of-Use Summary
Category
Then
Now
Candy
Fictional employee named Candy Not for children
Chocolate bar Generally appropriate for children
Singles
Dollar bills
Kraft Singles
Beef
Beefcake
Beef stew
Tips
Cash
Donations
VIP
Very Important Person
Very Important Potatoes
Make it rain
Singles
Canned goods
Champagne Room
Champagne Room
Pantry Room
Candy-bar eligibility may vary based on peanuts, braces and parental discretion.
And then there’s the personnel side of the conversion.
What happened to everyone who worked there?
I don’t know who actually worked there, so for legal and narrative purposes, I’m inventing a dancer named Destiny.
Maybe Destiny graduated.
Maybe she’s Executive Director Destiny now. MBA. Nonprofit leadership.
She writes grants. Speaks at conferences. Gives TED Talks.
“From Bada Bing to Bada Broth.”
Her professor once said strip-club economics and soup-kitchen economics aren’t that different.
Both rely on donations.
Both involve uncomfortable chairs.
Both feature someone asking, “Can I get you anything else?”
Dissertation title:
Lunch Buffets—From Gamble to Blessing.
ENVIRONMENTAL SPARKLE ANALYSIS
Glitter Particles Per Million (GPM)
Estimated airborne glitter concentration at 347 S. Salem Street
SHOWPLACE ERA
984,000 GPM
Instrument status: SATURATED
NOURISH.NJ ERA
17 GPM
Normal municipal sparkle range: 0–25 GPM
ESTIMATED REDUCTION: 99.998%Current reading: within normal municipal sparkle limits.
GPM = glitter particles per million airborne particles. Figures are entirely fictional. No actual air, carpet, pole, HVAC duct or glitter was sampled by The Jug Handle Office of Environmental Sparkle.
I do wonder about the DJ, though.
Maybe he pivoted.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… THIS NEXT ONE’S BEEN IN THE KITCHEN ALL DAY…
SHE’S SAVORY…
SHE’S BOLD…
SHE’S GLUTEN CONSCIOUS…
GIVE IT UP FOR CREAM OF BROCCOLIIIIII.”
You know there was at least one bachelor party that didn’t get the memo.
Ten guys in polos. Sunglasses at night.
The groom wearing a sash that says LAST RIDE.
His name was Brett.
Brett did not read the sign out front.
Younger cousin Kevin whispers, “I can’t believe we didn’t get carded.”
They burst in:
“LET’S GOOOO—”
Then immediately see a poster Executive Director Destiny just put up:
MAKE IT RAIN — CANNED GOODS
Then they see folding tables.
A crockpot.
A volunteer in sensible sneakers.
Silence.
Until they hear:
“NOW COMING TO THE MAIN STAGE…
SLOW-SIMMERED FOR SIX HOURS…
GIVE IT UP FOR BEEF…
STEWWWWW.”
“…is this a theme night?” someone whispers.
Uncle Sal, still trying to salvage the evening:
“So, uh… is there a VIP section?”
“Yes,” Executive Director Destiny replies.
“Very Important Potatoes. They’re in the back.”
Then the DJ again:
“GENTLEMEN, THIS NEXT ONE IS THICK, HOT, AND SPICY…
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR CHILIIIII…
WITH OUR SPECIAL MYSTERY GUEST…
CORN BREADDDDD.”
And then “In the Arms of an Angel” starts playing.
And Brett tipped.
Brett tipped the volunteer.
She said it goes to the general fund.
He said, “Keep it on the stage.”
There is no stage.
It’s a Costco table.
Uncle Gary claps once.
“Told you it was classy.”
THERE IS NO STAGE. IT’S A COSTCO TABLE.
But the more I think about this building, the more I like it.
Buildings aren’t supposed to get second acts.
They’re just buildings.
But somehow this one went from a place built around taking money from people to a place devoted to helping people who need it.
From Champagne Room to Pantry Room.
That’s progress.
SUPPORT THE PEOPLE DOING THE ACTUAL GOOD WORK
Support Local
nourish.NJ
The current South Salem Street community hub provides food and other support to Morris County neighbors.
