GARY: NOT IN ATTENDANCE
Traditional abbey built from hygiene products with Lady Speed Stick, His Majesty Roll-On, Lady Gillette, Sir Sweat-a-Lot and the Earl of Sandwich
The noble court assembled at Antiperspirant Abbey. Freshness reigns supreme.
OBITUARIES / PEERAGE / PERSONAL CARE

Lady Speed Stick, Grande Dame of Antiperspirant Abbey, Dead at 24H

House asks mourners to “Dare to Wear Black.” Protection expected to continue for approximately 24 hours.

Lady Speed Stick, Duchess of Invisible Dry and Countess of Shower Fresh, died peacefully Tuesday after a long battle with perspiration.

She was believed to be 24H.

In accordance with instructions left prominently on her estate, mourners have been asked to Dare to Wear Black.

DressDare To Wear Black
SecurityClear Protection
Royal Guard24H Protection
Family SeatHouse of Invisible Dry

She is survived by His Majesty Roll-On, Sir Sweat-a-Lot, Lady Gillette, young Lord Roll-On and an absolutely inconsolable Earl of Sandwich.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations be made to the Antiperspirant Abbey Restoration Fund, or simply that mourners reapply.

Lady Speed Stick packaging reading Dare To Wear Black, Clear Protection, Invisible Dry and 24H Protection
Primary-source evidence from the House archives.