I’m convinced that a very long time ago there was a massive meeting at the biggest ad agency in New York, with all of the biggest companies, organizations, and celebrities together in one room, waiting for their new campaign pitches.
But on the way to the conference room, some bumbling, inept intern dropped the entire tray of slogans and had to hastily throw everything back together — screwing everything up and changing advertising history forever.
Gatorade, instead of Trojan Condoms, ended up with “Is It In You?”
Tinder and Grindr lost out on “We Have the Meats” and “Taste the Rainbow,” respectively.
Boeing missed on “Born of Fire.”
AA and NA were thankfully not bestowed with “Obey Your Thirst” and “Once You Pop, You Can’t Stop,” and Planned Parenthood thankfully didn’t have to run with “Give us a week, we’ll take off the weight.” Dark. Edgy.
Dunkin’ got “America Runs on Dunkin’,” which — as anyone who has ever run on Dunkin’ can tell you — was written for America’s toilets.
“Melts in Your Mouth, Not in Your Hand” was originally the New Jersey Turnpike Authority’s summer asphalt advisory.
“Maybe She’s Born With It” belonged to 23andMe.
Meanwhile, a forlorn Sir Mix-A-Lot sat in the corner lamenting the loss of “Think Outside the Bun,” the planned follow-up to “Baby Got Back.”
The intern, of course, was never fired. He failed upward. Today he runs the firm that names prescription drugs, which is why your grandmother is on something called Xeljanz.