My Wife Bought 99% Porn and Left It Next to My Toothbrush

Every morning I brush my teeth at one of the two sinks in our bathroom.

Not “his and hers.” Our faucets prefer they/them pronouns, thank you.

One sink contains my toothbrush and a bottle of generic hand soap I’ve owned since the Obama administration. The other sink contains approximately $14,000 worth of products whose purposes I cannot identify, but I refuse to impose outdated gender norms on plumbing fixtures.

Sitting there among them is a giant red bottle of Medicube face cleanser. Every morning I look at it and see:

Apparently it says PDRN. I know that now.

But if Medicube expected a 47-year-old man brushing his teeth before coffee to distinguish PDRN from PORN, somebody in Packaging should have spoken up.

Purity Matters

This isn’t just porn. This is 99% HIGH PURITY porn.

I didn’t know pornography came in purity grades. What’s the other 1%? Preservatives? Plot? Emotional connection?

This is pharmaceutical-grade porn. None of that cheap synthetic porn or porn distillate. This is the good stuff. Restaurant Depot porn. Porn Depot. Membership required. Smallest size: 55-gallon drum.

You can’t get 100% anymore. The last verified batch was manufactured in East Germany just before the Wall came down. Reunification devastated the high-purity porn industry.

The original formula was different—handcrafted, small batch, very strict quality control, and, according to collectors, manufactured with Quaaludes. You occasionally see a sealed bottle on eBay, but most of it is counterfeit Czech stuff.

Ethically Sourced Porn

Consumers today want to know where their porn comes from. Is it sustainable? Fair trade? Non-GMO? Dolphin safe?

Medicube uses salmon-derived PDRN, which means this is officially farm-to-table-to-face. Finally, I can feel good about my porn being locally sourced.

Most importantly, I don’t want my porn tested on animals. I have standards. I want the cruelty-free bunny on the bottle. No beagle should have to sit through eight hours of German porn just so my pores can look smaller.

The Benefits

The bottle promises “clinically proven deep pore cleansing,” “99.3% pore impurities removed,” and “81.2% dead skin cells removed.” Somewhere there is a scientist whose entire career culminated in determining that last two-tenths of a percent.

It also offers deep exfoliation, which is encouraging because a lot of men my age suffer silently from ED: Exfoliation Dysfunction.