Dear Manufacturer of the Coffee Table Edge Baby-Proof Foam Plug,
Thank you for the fantastic toy.
My parents appear to have misunderstood your product.
They believe the little piece of foam attached to the corner of the coffee table is designed to keep me from smashing my skull into a sharp wooden edge.
That doesn’t make any sense.
Obviously it’s a puzzle.
And a pretty easy one.
I first noticed the device shortly after installation. My parents had surrounded me with several hundred dollars’ worth of brightly colored developmental toys specifically designed to stimulate an eleven-month-old brain.
Naturally I ignored all of them and crawled directly toward the thing they didn’t want me to touch.
Your adhesive held for an impressive eleven seconds.
Then I ripped the entire safety device off the table, thrust it above my head like William Wallace in Braveheart, and began chewing on it.
Five stars.
I especially appreciate the clever way your product works: once the child removes the protective foam, the original sharp wooden corner is immediately available again.
That’s thoughtful design.
A lot of so-called childproofing companies forget about the child.
Not you.
You’ve clearly studied us.
We don’t want some dumb plastic giraffe that lights up when we hit a button.
We want the mysterious thing Mom and Dad installed at 10:30 last night while repeatedly saying:
“Do you think he’ll be able to get this off?”
Yes.
Yes I will.
ADHESIVE QUALITY: ★☆☆☆☆
Adequate resistance.
Could be stronger.
Maybe next time try welding.
ENTERTAINMENT VALUE: ★★★★★
Outstanding.
I removed it four times today.
My father reattached it three times, which suggests I am now winning by one.
He has begun pressing against it with his thumb for increasingly long periods while muttering things that I’m pretty sure weren’t in Goodnight Moon.
MOUTHFEEL: ★★★★★
Soft.
Slightly chemical.
Pairs beautifully with Cheerios found underneath the couch.
Would chew again.
SAFETY: ★★★★★
I have no idea.
I’m eleven months old.
Frankly, safety sounds like your problem.
My parents have recently begun “babyproofing” other areas of the house, and I hope you’re involved.
Electrical outlet covers are disappointing because occasionally they actually stay in the outlet.
Cabinet locks require effort.
The baby gate at the stairs has frankly become insulting.
I need products with the customer-centered philosophy you’ve demonstrated here.
Perhaps brightly colored knife sheaths with convenient toddler pull tabs.
A garbage-disposal cover that makes animal noises when removed.
An Elmo-shaped medicine cabinet lock.
Maybe a stove-knob protector that dispenses raisins.
I’d also like to see your company enter the transportation market.
Freight-train crossings seem unnecessarily difficult for children to operate.
Maybe install a large handle at toddler height with the words:
PULL TO DISCOVER CONSEQUENCES.
There’s a huge untapped market here.
You may also want to reconsider the wording on your packaging.
Currently it says something along the lines of:
HELPS PROTECT CHILDREN FROM SHARP EDGES.
That’s clearly aimed at parents.
Your actual end user would respond much better to:
NEW! TODDLER DESTRUCTION STARTER KIT
or:
CAN YOU GET THIS OFF BEFORE DADDY FINISHES MAKING COFFEE?
Now that’s engagement.
Anyway, thank you again.
My parents remain deeply skeptical of your product.
I think it’s terrific.
They’re calling it childproofing.
I’m calling it enrichment.
Sincerely,
Tyler
Age 11 months
Verified Purchaser’s Dependent